


What's In A Name? (or, The Joy of Picking on Heero)

by TJ_Dragonblade



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: M/M, My old writing makes me cringe, Script Format, abuse of Heero's character in the interests of fun, comedy is not my strong suit, eighties cartoons, semi-self-insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-04-21
Updated: 2002-04-21
Packaged: 2018-12-23 07:25:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11985036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TJ_Dragonblade/pseuds/TJ_Dragonblade
Summary: Have you ever wondered why Duo doesn't shorten Heero's name with '-man' the way he does the other pilots?





	What's In A Name? (or, The Joy of Picking on Heero)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for an '80's contest/challenge that gave me the excuse to throw a couple random ideas together into some semblance of a fic  
> =====  
> Started: 4/6/02  
> Drafted: 4/12/02

{Our little travesty of a fic begins on an island, a tiny little island in the middle of a sunny blue ocean. There is nothing on this island besides three lonely palm trees and a little square white house right smack in the middle. Painted diagonally across one side in bright red block letters are the words "Maxwell House." (1)}

{Inside the house, which is somehow a much larger place than it looks from the outside, our five boys are going about their usual order of business. Heero is up in his & Quatre's room, typing away at the ol' laptop. He could be downloading porn or deciphering strings of binary code for all we know--it is impossible to glean anything from his complete lack of expression. Quatre is wandering from room to room, folding and putting away laundry. The other three are in the living room. Wufei is sitting on one end of the couch; Duo is lying sprawled across the rest of it, head on Wufei's lap, braid trailing on the floor, remote in hand. He's channel surfing as usual, searching for the elusive 'something good.' Trowa sits in an armchair off to one side, not paying much attention to the television, watching instead the two on the couch with the tiniest hint of a smile. Let's face it--they *are* awfully cute together.}

Wufei: Xin ai,(2) will you kindly choose one channel and leave it there? You're beginning to give me a headache.

Duo: But I haven't found anything I wanna watch yet!

Wufei: You have gone through all three-hundred channels twice.

Duo: Yeah, well, half of 'em were on commercials so I gotta go back...

Wufei: Oh, for the love of--you *know* what's on; just *pick* something! Or give *me* the remote and *I'll* choose something!

{Trowa, unobtrusive as ever, can be seen smiling to himself as he watches this exchange, amusement dancing in his eyes.}

Duo: Uh uh. My house, my TV, my control, my power. Any questions?

{Wufei rolls his eyes at this speech he's heard too many times before. One hand has been resting lightly against Duo's side; he casually digs his fingers in, tickling. Duo yelps and squirms, laughing helplessly; in his moment of distraction, Wufei calmly snags the remote.}

Duo: Hey!

Trowa: (softly) Thank you.

{Duo shoots a mock glare at Trowa from upside down in Wu's lap and sticks his tongue out before addressing Wufei.}

Duo: C'mon, 'Fei, give it back!

Wufei: No.

Duo: I'll be good, I promise!

Wufei: No.

Duo: (pouting prettily) Pleeease?

Wufei: No.

Duo: 'Feeeeiiii...

{The last is accompanied by huge chibi puppy-dog eyes and the irresistible pout; not even Wufei can remain unmoved by such a face staring up from his lap}

Wufei: (smiling very slightly) Begging does not become you, Maxwell.

Duo: (flashes a grin) Yeah right. You know I'm *adorable* when I beg.

Wufei: (cannot deny it) ...

{Trowa's smile is threatening laughter at any moment; Duo glances over at him and grins up at his lover}

Duo: C'mon, Wu, don't emasculate me in front of the clown, okay?

{Trowa's laughter breaks free at last; Wufei is struggling not to join in. He stares down at Duo impassively, one eyebrow raised ever-so-slightly}

Wufei: And how, pray tell, am I 'emasculating' you?

Duo: Dude, you swiped my remote. (clutches at his chest and throws the back of one hand to his forehead melodramatically) You stole my manhood, my power, the very essence of my masculinity!

{Wufei emits a soft snort of laughter and breaks down, cracking a full smile}

Wufei: Alright, alright. Do you promise to leave it on one channel?

Duo: Yes, papa.

Wufei: (swats him lightly) Very well. I bestow your 'manhood' upon you once more. (hands back the remote)

Duo: *Thank* you.

Trowa: (having gotten himself back under control by now) Try the cartoon channels.

Duo: (shoots him an upside-down raised-eyebrows look) I wouldn'ta pegged you for a 'toon man, Tro.

Trowa: (shrugs eloquently)

{Duo turns to a cartoon channel, where several brightly-colored fuzzy-looking creatures of some sort are bouncing across the screen}

Duo: Hey, it's Popples!

Wufei: (staring oddly at the television, head tilted slightly to one side) It's what?

Duo: Popples! It's these toys--they're this fuzzy little animal thingy with a pouch and you turn 'em inside out and they're something else...

Wufei: (giving him an odd look) I see.

Duo: One of the kids at the church had one--he shared it with everybody 'cause we didn't have many toys. That one turned into a soccer ball, though you can't play much soccer when your ball's a big plushie...

{Wufei is still giving him that odd look; Duo shrugs it off}

Duo: Hey, man, it's pretty cool when you're seven years old. Lotsa stuff's different when you're a little kid.

Wufei: I won't argue that...

{Quatre wanders in with an armful of black towels he's in the process of folding; how he manages to fold one without dropping the rest is quite beyond me. Duo frowns slightly and props himself up on his elbows, head lifting from Wufei's lap}

Duo: Quatre...why are you doing my laundry?

Quatre: (blinks) ...Am I? (looks down at the dark bundle in his arms) I was doing mine...I guess I just got carried away. D'you want me to finish?

Duo: Nah, just toss it there. (waves negligently toward a large chair) I'll get it later.

Quatre: (shrugs and drops his armload of towels)

Wufei: (tsk-ing sound of disapproval)

Duo: I will!!

Wufei: (doesn't buy it) Mm hmm.

Quatre: So--(he turns, hands on hips)--what are we doing?

Duo: Watchin' cartoons, Q-man. Join us? (swings his legs off the couch and scoots up close to Wufei)

Quatre: (sits down) How come you never do that to Heero?

Duo: (puzzled frown) Do what?

Quatre: You know--Q-man, Tro-man, Wu-man--why don't you ever do it to Heero?

Duo: (snickers) Think about it, Q.

Quatre: (blank look)

Duo: (still snickering) *Say* it, Quatre.

{Wufei is smiling behind one hand and Trowa once again looks amused}

Quatre: (confused) Hee-man.

{The other three dissolve into laughter--Trowa quietly, Wufei with his usual reserve and dignity, and Duo giggling insanely. Quatre frowns}

Quatre: Why is that so funny?

Duo: (gasping for breath, holding his side) God...oh god...you...you've never seen the cartoon?!

Quatre: What cartoon?

Duo: There's an old show called He-Man...ohhhhhh, god. (takes a deep breath and wipes his eyes)

Quatre: Oh...I still don't see why it's *that* funny.

Trowa: (smiling) Show him.

Wufei: (smirking) Yes, show him.

Duo: (grins) Yo, Heero!

{no answer}

Duo: (Relena-like) Heeeeeee-rooooo!

{no answer}

Duo: Oi, Spandex Boy!

{still no answer}

Quatre: (sharply) Heero! Mission!

{From upstairs, we hear the crash of a chair pushed back so hard that it's knocked to the floor. The door to Quatre and Heero's room slams open and the Japanese pilot sprints out, a determined glint in his eye. He vaults the second-floor banister with ease and lands in a crouch on the living room rug in front of the television. Steel blue eyes glance left, right; seeing all four of his companions staring expectantly at him, he realizes that once again he's fallen for the irresistible M-word.}

Heero: K'so. (stands) What do you want?

Duo: Your boyfriend here doesn't get why calling you Hee-man sends us into fits of giggles.

Wufei: We want to show him.

Heero: (eyes widen with a horrified look) Iie. Iie, no, not again.

Wufei: (shakes his head, an evil smile growing on his face) He does not want to cooperate...

Duo: (mirroring the evil grin) Uh oh.

Heero: (backing away) I said no! Dammit!

{There is a bright flash of white light and suddenly Heero is dressed in a thick furry brown loincloth and matching fur-topped boots. Twin bandoliers criss-cross his chest with a bright red cross in the middle; a broadsword hangs sheathed on his back. By some miracle of styling wonder, his hair is combed down flat in a shaggy bowl-cut and has a suspiciously sandy-blond tint to it}

{Slowly, very slowly, he raises his eyes and directs his infamous Death Glare heavenward}

Heero: (unnaturally calm) Omae o korosu.

{Elsewhere, a certain fic-writer sweatdrops and nonchalantly slips into the latest in Kevlar fashion wear before continuing...}

Quatre: (eyes wide, cheeks pinked) O-oh. I see. (raises a hand to his lips, trying very hard to cover the smile and keep from giggling aloud) You look...it's...it's quite becoming on you, Heero.

Heero: (fuming) Don't be tactful, Quatre. It looks *stupid*.

Quatre: (brings his expression under control with great difficulty) Honestly, Heero. It's...it's kinda sexy.

Heero: (incredulous) Are you serious?

Quatre: (nods solemnly, trying for all he's worth to keep a straight face) It *does* look a little silly, but...well, it has potential. (looks Heero in the eye and lets a tiny, suggestive smile grace his features)

Heero: (eyes widen just the slightest bit) Hn.

{Duo reaches out with one foot and nudges Heero in the leg}

Duo: Say it.

Heero: Isn't this enough?

Duo: Uh uh. C'mon, 'Hee-man,' say it.

Heero: (folds his arms across his mostly-bare chest and glares) No.

Duo: Just say it and you can go. Promise.

Heero: *No*!

Trowa: Looks like we're going to be here awhile.

Wufei: Get it over with, Yuy. It can't be *that* bad.

Heero: (mutters) Like you would know--she doesn't pick on *you*.

Duo: That's 'cause 'Fei-babe's her favorite; and you...well, you're *not*.

Heero: And *you*-her evil minion...(eyes narrow) Traitor.

Duo: (waves him off) Yeah, yeah. Just *say* it, Heero, or she's gonna leave you that way for good.

Heero: (glares down at his furry loincloth and back up at Duo) Fine.

{He draws the sword and points it one-handed straight overhead}

Heero: (in his flattest monotone) By the power of Greyskull. I have the power.

{He glares at Duo, who has burst into peals of laughter again, and up toward the ceiling, addressing the same invisible entity as before.}

Heero: Are you satisfied?

{His hair abruptly returns to its usual state of muddy brown disarray. Duo is still giggling helplessly; Heero continues to glare at him with no effect. He turns the glare instead on Wufei}

Heero: Shut your pet hyena up or I'll feed him the barrel of my gun.

Trowa: (innocently) I think you mean the hilt of your sword.

Heero: (eyes narrow) Omae o korosu. All of you.

{Quatre grabs Heero's arm hurriedly and tries to lead him away}

Quatre: Now now, Heero, there's no need for that. Come on upstairs and we'll change your clothes...

{Heero allows himself to be led to his room while continuing to glare back at the other three. Trowa and Wufei are smirking; Duo has died into hiccupping sighs}

Duo: Oh, god...that's too damn funny.

Wufei: (gently admonishing) One day he *may* follow through on his threat, xin ai. You should be more cautious.

Duo: (snorts) Yeah right. You don't believe that any more'n I do. How many times has he 'omae o korosu'd' us?

Trowa: I've lost count.

Duo: See? Heero's harmless. All bark.

Trowa: Though of course the first time he said it to Quatre he really meant it...

Duo: Yeah; but just look at them *now*. (three pairs of eyes glance up at the closed bedroom door of the pilots in question)

Trowa: It's sweet.

Duo: Yeah. B'sides, Heero's too much fun to pick on. 

Wufei: This is true.

Duo: That's what I love about you, babe. You're as evil as I am.

Trowa: You just hide it better.

{Wufei laces his hands behind his head with an innocent smile; Duo matches the grin and resumes his previous position, again using Wu's lap for a pillow. Trowa settles back, hands steepled in front of him; and all three return their attention to the TV, where the Popples still play. After a moment, Duo automatically begins switching channels again}

Wufei: (in a warning tone) Duo, you promised.

Duo: Heh heh...oops.

Wufei: Now you must pay the consequence...

{He moves suddenly, grabbing Duo to prevent escape and tickling mercilessly. As Duo shrieks in helpless laughter and Trowa looks on, smiling, debating whether or not to join in, our little fic comes to an end...}

**Author's Note:**

> (1) An image brought on by DBZ that assails me every time I'm in the coffee aisle...  
> (2) xin ai: (mandarin) beloved  
> I have since been told by native speakers that it's not used this way, not the way that 'beloved' can be an endearment in English; I am going to beg creative license for my usage herein because language (particularly informal language) tends to evolve over time and maybe in the AC era 'xin ai' could have come into use as an endearment?


End file.
